Monday, April 2, 2012

a little bit personal... Which i never do.

I don't regret any of the decisions I made this week, however, i think I could've made better decisions... Life is so short-- why waste any time? Since Ashlyn passed, I just cannot get over how quick, randomly, and suddenly life can end. ... 
My plan, my goals, my passion:
I want to have the ability to transform anybody into anything, to make anybody feel beautiful... I know how great I am at talking to people, i'm down to earth, i'm understanding, i'm pleasant, and i love helping others.  I've been through so much that I feel i'm able to understand, sympathize, and sometimes even guide those through rough times, therefore I guess I'd say I can "mentally" or "emotionally" offer people help which is why I've strongly considered studying psychology.... But, I want to be a makeup artist, cosmetologist, and esthetician.  I've wanted to "do hair" since i was a little girl playing with my barbie dolls and my American girl dolls.  Everyone wonders "you're 21, why haven't you already finished school?" ... Simple as this: self confidence, or lack of.  After i dropped out of highschool it took me forever to get the confidence to go get my GED. Once I finally got that a few years back it has taken me the past few years to want and want and want more to go to cosmetology school.  I guess you could say I'm just finally growing up.  I'm finally accepting responsibility and the fact that I have to go to school for education to be able to provide for myself and have the independent life i'm seeking and wanting so bad, but don't have.  It felt so out of reach before I got my GED.  Now getting a car seems out of reach, but it will happen, I will be in cosmetology school by the end of this year, and I will be driving myself there.  However, in the meantime i've been looking into Makeup Artistry schools.  I was thinking, I could take a makeup artistry course online in the meantime while I'm working and saving money and trying to get my car so I can then start cosmetology school.  I plan on going to Mitchell's Hair Academy which is about 15 minutes away.  I do however have other options, Aveda which is about a 45 minute drive (I don't know why but Aveda doesn't interest me much! I want to learn how to use multiple brands and i've heard that. Regency Hair school (about a 25-30 minute drive) I don't know much about Regency, I plan on scheduling a tour and then from there i'll see how i feel... I'll pick my school, talk to my dad or grandad to figure out tuition and find the convenient date to start... and i'm off to a new VERY NEW adventure.... *school*... wow.
I've been searching for love in all the wrong places, But am I looking for love or do I just want to have fun? I love having a boyfriend and being happy and settled down, but then the happy goes away and it becomes fighting and jealousy.. Who wants to plop that in their lap if it's not necessary?  Granted I've had bad taste in men in most of the past relationships I've been in.  I refuse to ignore red flags, if they're there go ahead and fight them now, because later when you really LOVE it'll be too late.. Your heart will be on the line and in a danger zone.  Is it so wrong for ME to want to be taken care of? I want a fucking man to take care of me... I want to be able to take care of myself financially and stuff don't get me wrong, i'm no gold digger.  I want a man who wants to take care of me though, and WANTS to treat me like a princess and doesn't complain about it, and he has to be attractive- and I have to feel comfortable.  I want a sweetheart but a badass. <3 I can never find the balance. And the end, i'm cutting it off there-- i can't believe i even dug that deep...
I want to do more of what makes me happy.  I stopped exercising months ago, why? I have no clue.  It makes me feel good mentally, physically, and emotionally so why would I not do it everyday? .. Laziness? Lack of ambition? Exercising can be a huge outlet for me, it gives me confidence when i feel my body is at my best and the endorphins it releases can be a drug to me, and my addictive personality.  
I love expressing myself through art amungst many things-- painting, drawing, decorating, fashion, nails, makeup, hair, writing, even dancing alone in my room ocassionally, who cares? One thing i hate is when I get so wound up in social life that I don't allow enough time for me to work on me.  I've done it a lot in the past and it starts quick goes hard and burns out fast... I burn out... mentally.  I have to have my space.  I have to have time to think, progress, learn more about myself.  But then there are those rare people who are exceptions, and those people are really special to me... I'm irritated so easily, anybody who i can spend hours upon hours on end with and not get sick of or frustrated with is going to be a very important part of my life.. obviously.  Marybeth is one of those people, and she's the only one i'll name publicly.  I love a partner in crime for a relationship of any sort.. Does it make sense to you ? or am i crazy? 
I try and remind myself everyday to surround myself with people who i 100% trust.  I don't take risks.  My home is my home, my family is my everything.. I never let people into my home that could endanger my loved ones.  I want to and try to surround myself with people who have morals, ambitions, and responsibilities.  Something I'd like to try to surround myself with more of :: MEN with respect.  However, boys will be boys- men will be men... although i'm sure some of my greatest guy friends can be ass holes to the girls they may have hooked up with, they treat me great hence why we're friends... I love being around positive people, laughing with people, and learning from others...

Rant and words of L.jay xoxo
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  1. Miss Jay! I love your blog. Id like to start off by telling you how beautiful you are.

    Second i wouldnt stress out to much about your future and school it will just make things harder on you!

    I truly am sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Life is short but it should be a reminder for you love those in your life that love you, before they are gone.

    Didnt you have a "secret" valentine? What ever happen betweeen you too? If you are unhappy with your relationships you need to ask your self what are you doing different? Was there a time that you were happy?

    Men are the type of creatures that treat a woman with only as much love and affection that they recieve from us! It took me a while to realize that. If you show your "man" enough love i promise you that he will treat you like a princess and do anything to put a smile on your face.

    Im sorry if this comment is a little to personal. I lost the love of my life not long ago and you really dont know how much you loved someone until they are gone!I miss him so much even though our relationship had its ups and downs he always was there for me.

    I pray that you dont ever have to go through the heartache that i have.

    Be honest to your self and others and you will find love.


  2. This is probably one of the most personal and revealing posts that I've ever read...truly a wonderful blog. I hope you don't mind the random comment/visitor :)

  3. Lauren ! It's brittany here. I think you are doing so good independtly that if you were to seek out a guy it would only hold you back from your beauty, creativity and so much of who you are! Your seeking out art, holding on to friendship tightly and you realize how much family time is so important.

    You want what every girl wants and It's unrealistic. Don't ruin who you are for a life that is only seen in movies! I respect you so much and your blogs prove to me your strength and how much of a beautiful person you really are. Don't lose your sight hun you are more than what you think you are and others see that in you. Trust me I've stalked your fb to know you are loved by many!! <3 Keep that head up.

  4. I want to thank all of you, you've made my day/week/month. I've been waiting for comments on my blog and i'm finally getting them.. I will be doing more posts on my life and personal battles.. I hope you continue to check out my posts and please subscribe! Love you all, thanks for your support :)