Saturday, December 31, 2011

NEW YEAR**** the end of 2011-- plans for 2012

Well, 2011's coming to an end.  Like most people I ask, 

  • what did i learn from this year? 
  • what did i do wrong this year? 
  • what can i do to improve myself and the upcoming year of 2012? 
  • Is the world really coming to an end ;)? 
  • What can i do to improve myself and my life? 
  • What goals am i setting for the new year?


This year, i've learned so much and i value every piece of information i've collected.
In this new year i hope to do this one thing that i always doubt--
**TRUST MY INSTINCTS, MY GUT, MY HEART, AND MY SOUL**
I've learned this year first hand that who you surround yourself is what you become (the secret).  Why waste time around unmotivated, negative, rude, and unappreciative people? In 2012, i will value myself and who i am.  I will acknowledge all of my amazing qualities that i have a tendency to ignore.  I will spend time with people who deserve my positive, fun, and caring energy- rather than those who suck it away and drain me.  I plan to not try and find myself through love or a shitty relationship.  I plan to find myself through art, writing, blogging, spending time with true friends, working, and beginning school.  I look forward to what the new year has to bring me.  I can't wait for the changes i've been planning and to take action so that i can finally see my life as a happy whole.  I am so excited for 2012, and blessed to have made it this far!

So you all are probably wondering, what does this crazy and ambitious girl have planned?
Well, lots of things.
* Good friends and good times * enhancing my blog with multiple posts daily * starting my "lose weight with Ljay spot in my blog * ART DAILY * going on adventures and writing all about them and taking pictures for memories * shopping at all of my favorite places * working harder and bringing in double the income that i did this year * getting a new car * Meeting new and exciting people that i can learn from * Staying away from people who take away from me rather than add to me * STARTING SCHOOL! * NEW car!!!!*       * Making YouTube videos * Posting more ads throughout my blog (but one's i actually like- i'm not THAT money hungry, i want my viewers to actually enjoy the sites they click on *
making candles and selling them * opening my online stores * Selling handbags * Reading a new book every week/biweekly * Watching more movies (at this point i find it hard to stay focused during a whole movie-- sad, but VERY true * drinking more water and less diet soda * smoking  way less cigarettes * dating, but not getting in relationships * enhancing my wardrobe (ok, that's a new years resolution EVERY year*  NOT breaking my iPhone * Making amazing jewelry and selling it :) * posting DIY every other day (at least) on my blog! * Taking many more candid photos for my blog, and personal memory * getting a new laptop at some point * getting all photos from my computer printed * Scrap-booking/album"ing" all my photos i have printed so that they're nice and safe and viewer friendly rather than shoved in a shoe box :) *

Well, those are all the goals (little to big) that i have planned for this year!!  I have to say i'm most excited about starting my fitness section in my blog.  My plans for it are to post workouts, recipes, diet tips, exercise tips, my life going through yo-yo dieting, crash dieting, and eating disorders.  How eating healthy and exercising regularly has changed my life, my body, and my mind.  How i look my absolute best since I've been working out and eating healthy instead of doing it the wrong way.  I will be adding workouts (pictures and videos) from other sites but i also intend on making my own workout videos for you guys to watch.  I plan on adding all of my favorite workouts that i see the most beneficial results from.  All of you will learn the recipe to my all-time favorite protein shake, and find out where i get my protein powder from.  All the things that i make at home are things that i pretty much made up so that i feel guilt-free.  I feel like this section will give all my readers more incentive to be healthy once you see that the results WILL come, i'm not lying to you.   <3 Sooo get ready for fitness with L.jay 2012.  It will appear on my blog before January 10th.  :)




So, i decided to do things the traditional way and give a summary of my year (2011)
This year was quite a bumpy ride.  It started out as a continuance of 2010 (working at Hallmark, dating Louis, away from all bad things).  Then in February the roller coaster began.  I stopped dating Louis, quit my job at Hallmark out of nowhere, started seeing "the ex" (the name i won't say).  From then on-- i continued to sneak out and stay with him at hotels for nights on end.  I finally got thrown out of my house and the ex and I moved into our friends place.  Cheap rent, nice place, everything was perfect.  We got twisted every night, cuddled every night, woke up next to him every night.  He was making a lot of money at the time so we weren't struggling financially.  I met Ally then.  Marybeth and Tiffany would come to the house.  I was always drinking, i was skinny.  I was living that rich-girl lifestyle i always wanted.  Being the "dealers girlfriend".  Things got old fast.  Fights started breaking out between us every night, there were bad things around me left and right.  That led to the day i walked into Ally's house to find her dead... and murdered.  After that happened, it was a huge reality check.  Ally and I were living the same lifestyle.... Ally and i were very similar.... I knew if i didn't clean up my act.. I'd end up in prison, or dead like my beloved friend.  I moved back home, and tried to get away from the "ex" but it's hard when somebody's showing up at your doorstep daily, calling you every second, manipulating you because they know your weak and going through a rough time.  I stayed away from him for a while and started dating... Until the unstoppable phone calls and surprise visits.... i finally gave in.  And what do you know? I lose my best friends Mb and Tiffany... I start up bad habits and surrounding myself with bad people.  I finally get so fed up and so sick that i have to go get on medication.  I get so close with my family and friends when he's away because i don't always have to check-in with somebody.  I'm not mentally/physically/emotionally numb and dead when i meet up with them because i don't have to deal with somebody accusing me of everythinng possible.  It's an abusive relationship filled with zero trust, accusations, fights, violence, horrible name calling, and no faith.  There's no love in it anymore.  All the relationship exsists of is comfort, sex, and somewhat of a "posession" thing.  I refuse to be a part of that.  I left him and have currently been ignoring his calls.  I've spoken to him once when i was told the news about my friend "STEVO'S suicide" on the 23rd.  I've been down "the ex's cycle" plenty of times.. I never end up happy, always miserable desperately seeking the easiest way out of it.  So, I'm ignnoring him now-- he calls me non stop.  I don't respond.  
Sometimes i feel guilty and sometimes i feel scared that he may try and do something stupid.  I have to remember it's time to put myself first.  I've been through this path so many times.  Not only with " the ex" with tons of other relationships and just friendships.  I am "me".  I want to do what makes me happy.  I have a tendency to stay with people who make me unhappy out of comfort and being used to that.  I also like to call that "settling".  I dont want to settle for anybody or any kind of abuse/mistreatment.  I can't be around negative things that hold me back from my long term goals.  I'm not looking for a relationship right now and i'm not even looking for "friends with bad habits".  I've ditched all of those friends.  I've realized i can't change my ex boyfriend.  I can't make decisions for him.  He wants to live in the "live fast die young" life.  He can do that- without me.  
I as a human being have rights to who i hangout with whoever i want to, and to not hangout with those who i don't please to do so.  No matter how many times you call my phone, no matter what harmful names you call me, no matter what breaking news story you have about friends dying, I'm still not hanging out with you-- why? it doesn't reflect my best interest.  And that's currently what i'm after, for once--- WHAT'S BEST FOR *ME*




all in all, i'm wishing everyone of you a happy new year and an exciting beginning to 2012!


live laugh love it's lauren jay!









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