Saturday, November 5, 2011

movin forward

  The boyfriend has treated me like crap the past 2 weeks.  Between hangin out with girls at the bar and lyin to me about it (they were old women, i didn't feel threatned i felt like he's a hypocryte.)  Then one day he didn't call me at ALL at all in one day (quite honestly i was fine with it my day was a lot  more peaceful- but again, hypocrite)  I can only take so much shit, those are only two examples of what i'm talking about, not to mention, he has an assault on a female charge from a few months back when he strangled me and i had to call the police, he left scratch marks all over my neck.
I always forgive and 3/4 of the way forget, but let everything build up and build up for months till i can't take it anymore then i leave him for 4 months and come back.  It's a continuous cycle... I WANT IT TO STOP! damn!  So he came over yesterday with food, he had been talking about the food all morning via IM and the phone.  I had my egg and cheese sandwich and was trying to get my work done on the computer he wouldn't leave me alone.  Sure enough he shows up, i'm not done, i feel smuthered.  Because he wanted food he tried to play it off like "aw i'm so sweet i got food for the both of us" ... look, i appreciated him buying 1 extra sushi roll (technically he didn't buy it he had a coupon for buy 1 get 1 free.... ahhh! Then I finally began to tell him how i felt neglected and that he didn't care and how i truely dont believe he wants to see me happy and he started yelling at me saying i'm brainwashed.  No, i'm finally getting "UN- brainwashed" from spending time away from him.   Right before our fight realllllllyyyy hit the peak i went out in the garage to have a cigarette i left the door open though so i could watch him because i didn't want him in my room while he was angry.  I was scared he was goin to grab a knife or something... Anyways our fght escalated and escalated until he called a cab and left.  Oh, and of course he threw a billion rocks at my window (heavy and loud!!!) to the point where i couldn't even stay in my room... Of course, on the way out verbally abusing me.  I'm "useless, a whore, skank, slut, worthless, lying ho".
It has made me (once again) question my boundaries, lack of self esteem, goals and what i want out of life.  I'm sick of being bossed around a manipulated.  We have a far too much conflict and our trust has is past far down the drain.  I want out.  I'm sick of feeling miserable and stuck.  Anyways i'm goinht to go to bed and try to meditate a bbt and then hopefully i'll have my thoughts gathered to decide how to handle things. This tim it's  up to me. and i can do it
talk to you tomorrow!
xoxoCraft Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory

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